No, I don’t want another one

Hey y’all! Me, Scarlet, and Lucy are spending some time in Kentucky while my hubby is doing some training over the next couple of months. It’s so nice being surrounded by family, friends, and helping hands in every direction. HOWEVER, I keep getting, “y’all gonna try again soon?” (Fuck no). “Oh, you’ll change your mind” (hahaha shut up) or “you can’t leave that baby an only child!” (Yes I can). So this one is for you nosey folks that like to insert your opinion into the lives of people with one child, and the parents who have to take that shit with a grain of salt.

Before I had my daughter my magic number was 5…as in I wanted (thought I wanted) 5 kids (LOL). My daughter has single handedly made me lose my mind, find it, lose it again (and I haven’t seen it since). So when I say NO, I mean NO! I seriously do not think I have the mental capacity to raise another child. So when these stupid questions are asked it can make parents feel like shit for not WANTING any more kids. What is wrong with not wanting anymore?! NOTHING!

Also, it’s pretty fucking rude to ask these pushy questions. You wouldn’t ask a couple “why don’t y’all have kids?” So why is it okay to ask “why don’t y’all have MORE kids?”… SO STOP! Many couples (including my husband and I) struggled to even have one. It can be extremely emotional for couples who are just happy and blessed enough to have their miracle babies. Who’s to say that couple your asking ISN’T ALREADY TRYING!!? (And failing).

I’m still healing! I mean this both physically and mentally. I carried my daughter for nearly 10 months (yes you read that right) and then breast fed for almost 6 months. I’m just now taking ownership over my body again. I’m enjoying having myself to myself. I’m still healing from PPD/PPA/Mom brain/sleep deprivation/I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I have NO business adding another child into the mix. It wouldn’t be fair. I’m still adjusting to sharing my life with a tiny human that needs me 24 hours a day. I’m still adjusting to no longer being “Erika” but now “Erika, Scarlet’s mom”.

I want to enjoy my daughter…alone! I had a rough start to my motherhood journey and up until about a month ago it was extremely UNenjoyable. We’ve dealt with sleep issues, colic, reflux, bottle rejection, allergies, no support system nearby, and countless post postpartum issues…all within 6 months. Half a year has gone by and I’m JUST NOW enjoying being a mom…why in God’s name would I wanna go through that again?! “Not all babies are the same”. Yea, no shit Sherlock but I don’t wanna test the waters!

I know you have good intentions, and I know your not trying to be rude…but it is, and it’s annoying. So if a couple tells you they don’t want anymore, just leave it at that! One day we may change our minds and add more madness to our lives but for now…ITS A NO! Yes, my daughter will be just fine if she’s an only child, no we don’t want anymore, no I don’t see myself changing my mind about that!

Single parents, listen up.

Hey y’all! Now I know what your thinking, “what in the world does this chick know about being a single parent?”….my answer is, I DONT! My husband left us last week for some training and since then I’ve been single handedly holding down the fort and I have single handedly lost my shit! So much so, that I’ve decided to go back home to Kentucky where I’ll have some help while my husband is gone. Am I chickening out?….YES! This shit ain’t easy! There are things you don’t realize that single parents go through until you are ALL ALONE. Singles, this ones for you!

First of all let me say that I have THE GREATEST respect for single parents! Before my mom met my “step”dad, she was a single mama to two high strung kids (me and my brother). Mom, seriously I don’t know why I don’t have more memories of you beating our asses. We were BAD! And on top of it, she was doing it on her own (boss bitch). BUT regardless if your child can be the spawn of Satan, or is a perfect little angel….it’s HARD!

At night when I have Scarlet put to bed, the loneliness sets in. Sometimes I miss Ryan so bad I can actually feel it physically. For singles, this is an everyday thing. There’s no one to wind down at the end of the day with, no one to share the load with, no one to binge watch netflix with, NO ONE! Now, if your like me I enjoy my alone time. BUT after a while it’s just…lonely.

When you become a parent you can basically kiss alone time good bye. I’ve had to take a shit with Scarlet on my lap because she won’t stop crying…(oh shut up, like you haven’t done it!) BUT when your a single parent you literally don’t even have the option! Grocery shopping with kids is a fucking nightmare. But when your single, you kinda don’t have the choice. Most of the time, leaving the kids with their other parent isn’t an option so every.little.thing HAS to be done with the kids.

Being single means there’s no one to share the load with. This really sucks, and can make you feel like the bad guy when you have to choose between playing with your kid or letting the dishes pile higher and higher. Speaking of being the bad guy…your literally the ONLY bad guy to your kids. Being single means your the only disciplinary one in your child’s life which can make you feel super guilty (do they still love me) (the answer is yes!).

Money don’t grow in trees y’all, we all know that. Being single means, well…you have a SINGLE income. Kids are fucking expensive! The diapers the wipes the toys the clothes the shoes ALL THE STUFF! That has GOT to be hard for a single parent (child support or not) to keep up with the kids’ expenses on top of bills (and all of the alcohol that parenthood requires).

Single parents, my hats off to y’all! My husband will be back at the end of December so although I’m doing the damn thing for now, I at least have an end in sight. It takes a strong person to raise babies on their own. YOUR A FUCKING ROCKSTAR, DUDE! I’ve only scratched the surface of what being single is like. I’ve only been alone for a week and I’m going crazy. Thank you single parents for displaying what a strong role model looks like. One day all of the hard work will be so worth it, when you can look at your child and know that you did it on your own!

This is a weird season, mama

Hey y’all! Welcome back. I’m sorry I’ve been such a slacker here lately but LIFE has literally smacked me in the face these past few weeks and I have to admit, I’m a bit overwhelmed. So let’s talk about this weird season (definitely not talking about the weather) of life I’m in, that I know a few others are too.

I’m sitting on my tiny patio smoking a cigar left over from my baby shower (I don’t even smoke!), drinking a beer (that is NEEDED), listening to these cars honking their fucking horns (because Florida), and I am ALONE. My husband had to leave for a few months for a training so it’s just me, myself, I, the dog, and Scarlet. Being alone with the baby for the past week (yes it’s only been a week) has made me realize what a weird stage of life this is. Late 20/early 30’s is brutal, man! I have friends that are just now getting married, some that have been married for a few years..,some that aren’t married at all! I have friends that are still partying like they’re 21 years old (no judgement). And I have friends that are working on baby #3, or #4…some don’t want kids at all (definitely no judgement there!). So let me tell you, from a new moms point of view…I NEED TIME! I NEED SPACE! I NEED UNDERSTANDING! I NEED PATIENCE!

Now, I know…we all have things we’re going through, but it doesn’t take a genius to realize that bringing a child into the world is the biggest, scariest, and most rewarding transition in life. It’s bigger than your marriage, it’s bigger than your graduation, it’s bigger than your night out, it’s bigger than ANYTHING! So if I seem distant, or kindly decline your offer I am NOT sorry! And if I seem selfish, well..,your an Asshole, because EVERY. SINGLE. DECISION. That I make, is for my little one!

Yes! This is a hard, confusing, and simply put… a fucked up season of life. We’re dealing with a transition from being a kid to having a kid. We’re dealing with cleaning up our own messes to cleaning up a little ones messes (which is shit…literally). We’re dealing with not feeling as pretty as our friends. We’re dealing with post parting depression/anxiety. We’re dealing with our marriages…we’re dealing with a season of life that you can not possibly understand unless your in our shoes! So, give us our space, give us our time to heal, give us encouragement, and give us some patience. It ain’t easy being a new mama!

Mama’s how are you coping with this season of life, no matter your age or the stage?!

Sometimes mama needs a drink

Hey y’all! It’s been a while, how ya been? My little family just spent a week in Kentucky where I had the honor of standing next to my best friend as she got married! We just got back to Florida and decided to go to the food and wine festival at Disney. There were some BIG milestones made for me and baby this past week. For one, Scarlet took her first plane ride, we had our first night away from each other, she got to meet lots of new family, and she got to go to Disney for the first time. This brings me to my next point…sometimes mama needs a drink.

Let me start with how absolutely friggin nervous I was putting my baby on a plane! She’s still too little for the measles vaccine so I was scared to death she was gonna catch some kind of funk on the plane. And then there’s the worry of if she’s gonna lose her shit for the entire flight…or actually take a shit on the flight! I had so many thoughts going through my head. So as soon as we got to the gate I sniffed out a drink stand and downed two glasses of liquid courage. Guess what?! I was fine after that! Didn’t give a single fuck. I convinced myself that if she had a hissy fit she was entitled to it (which was true).

When we arrived in Kentucky more worry popped its pesky head up. So…I feel like every family had this issue and we talk about it amongst our closest friends, and we will bitch to our husbands/wives about it but I’m gonna plaster it on the internet because I guess I have brass balls now. YALL, grandmas are fucking crazy! I know many families who have the issue of one family seeing the baby more than the other and for the majority of families they live close by. So imagine living far away! Yea, that’s what I have. We try to be as fair as possible and split our time evenly but it’s so hard transporting a baby back and forth between houses. Mama, forget that shit and turn up! One thing that’s cool about insane grannies is they WANT to help. Take the damn help and go pour your self a drink!

As I mentioned before, me and Scarlet spent our first night away from each other. Before this happened I thought I would run out of the door. I’ve been complaining about not having a minute to myself for a while…I cried like a baby saying bye to her. It was so hard. I was worried that no one would be able to comfort her like me, she was gonna miss me, no one can make her giggle like me, I’m gonna miss out if she does giggle, what if she gets sick while I’m gone? It’s ridiculous the burden that mothers carry…I didn’t know my head could contain so many thoughts! BUT once I was out for a few hours amongst women my own age (for once) I loosened up and had a BLAST! “Mama’s gone wild” was my theme for the night. Hey, don’t judge! If you keep an animal caged for too long they will go crazy….and that was me! I seriously needed to blow off steam!

And finally after waiting an entire year (which felt more like 10) I got to spend an entire day at Epcot’s food and wine festival! But for me it was more like “Erika’s personal wine festival…with a little bit of food”. There’s something magical about being at Disney no matter what age you are, but it’s even better after a few. If you’ve never been to the food and wine festival think of it as an explosion of endless food and drinks every 500 steps. It’s AMAZEBALLS! So, I did what every responsible mother would do…let daddy take the reigns and mama had some fun!

Moral of this short story….drink alcohol and you’ll be a better mom/person…,joking!!!! (kinda). I won’t lie, pre baby I was a drinker. Post baby it’s more like medicine to help me get over all the shit my brain stews up. One BIG difference now is I actually need medicine after having a few. So if you need me I’ll be on my couch with a red Gatorade and some Advil. TGIF y’all, pour yourself some wine tonight, you earned it mama!

Boy meets girl

Hey y’all! It’s my favorite time of the year…FALL! I mean really is there anything better than snuggling up on the couch with your fall candles lit, watching hocus pocus…I THINK NOT! Fall season also means it’s WEDDING season! My best friend is actually getting married this weekend! Weddings take me back to just a few years ago when Ryan and I said our I do’s. We were 22 and 24 years young. Of course we were criticized for making such a big commitment, but neither of us questioned our decision or our love for one another. The old saying is true, “when ya know, ya know”. So in honor of wedding season, this is our love story…well kinda.

Ughhh our love story makes me swoon! Ryan came into my life when I needed him the most. I was a young 19 year old, fresh out of a crappy high school relationship. I had just moved back into my parents house after being out on my own. I. WAS. LOST. I had no direction in life, I felt completely alone, but somehow empowered that I had ended it with my ex. I looked forward to being on my own again. I imagined myself being broke, eating ramen noodles on my futon couch in a studio apartment barely making it (yes, I actually looked forward to it). A few months into my new life (so not as glamorous as I had imagined) I got a call from an old friend asking me to come hang out with her, her boyfriend, and one of his friends. I was literally laying in bed eating chocolate, watching TV, and tired as hell from a 12 hour shift. I didn’t want to.. like, AT ALL, but I hadn’t been out in forever and told myself “young, single, GO HAVE FUN!” I was sooooo broke, like too broke to even go out and enjoy myself so I borrowed $40 from my little sister’s piggy bank (she was 9 at the time) (so fucked up). I walked into the living room to find my friend telling my parents about our companions and tells them “yea, he’s a marine and just got back from Guantanamo bay”. My mom exclaims back “I need to meet this boy before my daughter leaves”….so fucking embarrassing mom!!! First of all it is NOT a date, I am an adult, and why???

Before the front door opens my mom whispers to me, “Erika, you gotta watch them Guantanamo bay Marines, they’re fucking crazy, they cut peoples heads off!” So now I’m panicked and don’t wanna go any more! I go back to my room to grab a jacket. I heard voices and the door close so I knew they were in the living room. I walk out casually, I wasn’t trying to seem excited about going out (I so was, and was SO ready to get whatever conversation was happening in the living room OVER WITH). I closed my door behind me, turn around, and locked eyes with white hot sex! Calm down you hoe bag, he’s home on liberty which means he wants one thing…booty…do not give in! Why does he look so familiar? Holy fuck he wears those jeans well.

So the embarrassing banter between my parents was over and we get into the truck and head out for a night on the town. He was sooooo hot! I still remember what Ryan was wearing that night: dark blue jeans that fit him in all the right places, a black t shirt that was tucked in, a black belt, and a black zip up hoodie. He looked so uninterested in me, he wasn’t even looking at me, fuck this guy, it’s not a date anyway. Finally he broke the ice and I realized where I knew him from…high school! Holy shit he grew up! Dayummmm! We had a blast that night. He offered to pay for my dinner but I declined, I wanted him to know it WAS NOT a date. Besides, I had my own money (cough cough). After a few hours I loosened up and at the end of the night, I let him buy me a milk shake (mostly because my piggy bank money was gone).

At the end of the night I was happy I had went out, but was very uninterested in taking it further. He however had other plans….YALL, the man practically stalked me! Text after text after text! He showed up at my work uninvited, showed up to a restaurant I was having breakfast at! The man NEVER gave up! I would complain to my mom almost everyday “this guy is so annoying” to which she would reply, “you’ll end up marrying him, watch!”. I would just roll my eyes. I finally gave in and thought what the hell, it’s one date. We went out and the conversation was as natural as breathing. I had never connected with another human being the way that I had with him. His 10 days of liberty were coming to an end and I was kicking myself why did you fall in love with him? Why did you even give it a shot. I was CONVINCED he was leaving and would never call me again.

The minute Ryan left for the first time he took a small piece of me with him. He was gone for a long 6 months…or so I thought. SURPRISE! He came home and surprised me that Christmas, that’s when I knew, this guys got it. We spent another 10 blissful days together and then he was gone for an actual 6 LOOONNG months. If we were going to make this work, well..it was going to be work! We spent hours on the phone, counted down the minutes, and looked forward to the future. It was HARD. Long distance relationships will put your patience, love, and trust to the test. I would be lying if I said it was sprinkles and sunshine…believe me, IT WASN’T. But we made it through.

There were many trips back and forth over the next few years. On his trip home for Christmas 2015 he proposed, I screamed in his face “YES!” I meant it with all of my heart. Since then, we have built a life together that I am proud of. We have an amazing daughter. He’s my best friend. We do not have a perfect life, or a perfect marriage but we make it work. Despite the odds, despite the distance we’ve endured, despite the shit storms we’ve gone through, the losses…we choose to go through life hand in hand because, well…I threaten him daily, so he has no choice!

I’d love to hear your love stories mama’s

I have a confession to make…

Hey y’all! No, I am NOT dead, just took a break for a while. In the past few weeks, Scarlet has started teething FULL SWING, we’ve gone through the WORST sleep regression, I’m preparing for a wedding, and preparing for my hubby to leave for a few months (so not ready). So it’s been busy here! Any who, just last night me and Ryan were reflecting over the past month and looking forward to all that the next few months are going to bring. This all made me think back to where our parenting journey began, and how many “rules” we have broken since then! I’m choosing to put quotes around the word rules because, let’s be honest…no one sticks to “by the book” when you have a little one, it’s impossible! So I’ve become a “rule” breaker, and I’m betting a few of you have too. And if not…well then enjoy me telling you how bad of a parent I am, I guess!

When I was pregnant I did everything right! I read the books, I googled till my eye balls hurt, I talked to seasoned mama’s, and I felt FULLY prepared to take on motherhood…until that little turd was actually here and I realized those books are pure shit, filled with false hope and only made me feel like a terrible mom! Google made it seem like my kid was broken… “how to put baby back in womb” may or may not be on my search history. And talking to seasoned moms made me feel inferior… “how are the so chill?”.

My latest example is the dreaded “cry it out method”. I vowed to NEVER allow Scarlet to “cry it out”. The thought gave me serious anxiety and if I heard of another parent doing it, I got kinda judgy, “how can they sit there and listen to their baby cry?”….GUESS WHAT, that shit works like a dream. Before I let Scarlet “cry it out”, bedtime was a fucking nightmare! Like a literal all out war!!! I would stick to the same routine every night (per those dumb ass books), I would make her as comfortable and possible and STILL she would scream and kick and act like a baby lunatic for about 45 minutes until she finally knocked out. I hated putting her to bed and by the time she was down I was wore out mentally and physically. She NEVER napped…like EVER. This made her super cranky all day…it was a vicious cycle everyday and was one of the main reasons behind my PPD. Until I decided enough was ENOUGH. I let her cry, and cry, and cry, and cry until finally she stopped! Bedtime is a breeze, and I’m happy to report she naps like a pro (most of the time).

When I was pregnant I told myself, “I’m never letting my kid play with phones, they need an imagination…yada yada yada”. Let’s all laugh at this one. Scarlet is 5 months old and guess what, she loves the phone! If that kid even kinda sorta looks like she’s about to cry we baby shark our asses off (we’ve watched it for 30 minutes once…I’m still recovering). Standing in a long check out line? phone! Not content with her other toys? Phone! Crying? Phone! Judge me all you want, but it’s not like technology is going anywhere, might as well get her used to it now.

Form-u-la! While pregnant I was all for breastfeeding, I read and googled and couldn’t wait to share that “special” bond with my baby that “only breastfeeding can give us”. Fuck that! Ya know what helps mom and baby bond? Mommy not going crazy, which is exactly what breastfeeding has done for me. If you’ve read my previous post “I hate breastfeeding but that doesn’t make me a bad mom”, then you know all the details. I’ve breastfed Scarlet for a (very) long 5 months now but we’re finally getting her on formula. She loves it! And I love not having sore, cracked nips, and not being hooked up to a machine 10+times a day…WIN WIN.

Rice cereal and solids. “Most” pediatricians are gonna tell you to hold off on both until the 6 month mark. I started them at 4. Scarlet would stare a hole through our food, had good neck control, and seemed more than ready to start them a few months ahead of schedule so that’s exactly what we’ve done. She is doing just fine (contrary to what the books will tell you) and she sleeps much better now!

I microwave bottles (gulp). Yup! And she is fine, there are no hot spots in her milk, and I’m not waiting around forever for a bottle to warm, all while she is screaming from hunger! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Oh yea, and we co slept for about 2 months. That bassinet I bought LITERALLY became a dump for clean clothes that I didn’t have time to fold (at least it was useful).

The thing is, all of us are wingin this mama stuff. You can plan all you want, but some things (most things) will change. Because like a box a chocolates (channeling my inner Forrest Gump) babies are not a one size fits all. You do what YOU know and feel is best, mama!

Any other mama’s out there who broke their own rules?

Despite all of these things, my daughter is a beautiful, chunky, healthy and happy 5 month old!

Taking it one day at a time.

Hey y’all! It’s been a whirlwind around here the past week. My little Scarlet has decided she prefers formula over breast milk, something I thought I would enjoy, turns out I miss her need for me. She still isn’t a great sleeper but prefers sleeping in her crib. Another leap that I thought I would enjoy, I really miss holding her little body and watching her sleep. She’s also started to sit up on her own, she’s rolling over, and scooting herself around (only when she’s pissed off though). These to me are signs that she’s advancing, something I’m so proud of but in a way sad about. My little tiny baby who screamed bloody murder all night long for weeks, the tiny baby who only wanted mama, ONLY I could calm her, the tiny baby that fought me every single step of the way, the tiny baby who I thought was gonna be the death of me….is growing beautifully but I’m just not ready. Why didn’t anyone warn me that I would miss the shit that I thought I hated so much?

I came to realize these things last week when my husband left me alone with a 6 pack of delicious Oktoberfest beer. I had been using dark beer as a way to boost my milk supply (works like a charm) and 3 beers later I was loopy (I’m a cheap date these days). I sat in the couch alone, hubby was at the gym and Scarlet was sleeping peacefully in her crib. I started bawling my eyes out…what the fuck and I supposed to even do with my hands? My baby wasn’t in them! I can be loud, she sleeps so well now. This is a good thing right, WRONG. That little turd drove me bat shit crazy for the first half of her life, I begged her to sleep on her own, I begged for alone time…I got what I wanted.

It’s true, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone (I sang that in my head). I’d love to go back one more time and hold that crying newborn. I’d love to go back and remind myself it won’t be like this for long (sang that one too). I’d love to go back one more time and nurse my baby. I’ve come to realize she needs me, but I need her far more. What am I if I’m not her mom? NOTHING!

So to the mama who’s struggling; whether your little one is a difficult newborn, a temper tantrum waiting to happen toddler, or a bratty ass teenager…soak it in. Take it one day at a time. Nothing lasts forever and these days are so precious. I NEVER believed in my wildest dreams I would want my newborn back (our journey has been ROUGH) but I do.

What about you mama? What season of life is your little one in? Do you wish you could go back?

Totally unamused with me, but so strong.
If I could just go back and hold you more….

Why are we doing this to ourselves?

Hey y’all! My child has yet again decided she hates sleep and has been waking up several times a night. For the past week, she’s consistently woken up at 5 am and will snuggle back in bed after a feeding….however this mama is up and ready to go…or so I THINK I am. After a solid 3 hour stretch of sleep, and with the sun peeking its pesky head up, it’s hard to shut my mind off. So I shove my exhaustion to the side and begin my day. It’s early as fuck, but it’s nice having a minute to myself. In the hour and a half that I have left before my daughter wakes up I successfully fold 2-3 loads of laundry, unload and reload the dishwasher, pick up toys, shoes, and whatever the hell else is laying around, I’ll straighten the stupid throw pillows (just for the dog to knock them over again), I’ll make my bed, and maybe squeeze in a cup of coffee and breakfast before Scarlet starts squealing. I throw my invisible cape on and proclaim myself super woman, but I feel like shit! Sound familiar? Mama’s, why do we do this to ourselves?

I think for most mama’s we spread ourselves too thin. Self care is so important; a hard and sometimes impossible thing to achieve. WE CANT DO IT ALL…YET WE DO IT ALL! And in the end our children are left with a tired and sometimes irritable mama. Our kids pay the price for mom doing it all. In the time that I’m trying to make my house look perfect (for nothing other than my own satisfaction) I could be getting that “me” time that I desperately crave and bitch about not getting.

I am so guilty of letting Scarlet play with her toys alone while I clean the house like a maniac…only to regret it after 30 minutes. Why the fuck am I so focused on the dust rather than teaching my child, or watching her learn, or simply taking the time to appreciate the little life I created. Our kids do not give a shit and will not remember if the house was clean or not. They WILL remember if mom was smiling and payed attention to them. And the same goes for us! In Scarlet’s 5 short months of life I can remember the little details; her smiles, her giggles, her incessant crying (hahaha)….but you know what I don’t remember? Whether or not the house was clean that day!

And HELLO! Our husbands, you know, the other half of your child, your PARTNER. Let him help! I can’t count how many times Ryan has asked, “can I help with something”, “what do you need me to do?”. And ya know what I say, “nothing”. How about I need a shower, I need a minute, I wanna go out by myself, I need the dishes to be done, I need…literally anything you can give me…,sound familiar? And speaking of those trusty ol hubbys, when was the last time you actually had a conversation about something other than your child(ren)? It seems like as soon as Ryan walks through the door I drown him the details of all things child. At the end of the night I’m so guilty of wanting to be by myself or catching up on that last bit of laundry, or playing on my phone that I neglect the one person I need the most.

There really aren’t enough hours in a day to do it all. So instead, do what you can but first and foremost SELF CARE. Let the dishes sit…go do a face mask. Screw that load of laundry…fix your hair. Don’t worry about making the bed today…go sit by yourself in peace, make a meal for your self, watch a movie…do something, ANYTHING!

It’s Friday mama’s, which means the freakin weekend is here. It’s a perfect time to start taking care of yourself. How about you mama, how can you change to be better for you and your family?

Here are those throw pillows I was talking about 🤪
But they can wait!

Doing “it” for the first time after baby

Hey y’all! There are a lot of new/prego mamas hangin around my Facebook and Instagram so I’m here to sprinkle some info that I was particularly curious about when I was pregnant, which was doing the dirty for the first time after baby! Pregnant mama’s beware, new mama’s may wince, and seasoned mama’s will laugh!

When I was pregnant I cherished my well kept lady bits, and I was SO not looking forward to it being wrecked after baby (I’m sure my husband wasn’t either). As I’ve mentioned before, we’re pretty hot and heavy, I mean have you seen the guy? He’s hot as hell! This did not change throughout my pregnancy. I’m sure it was an ungodly sight to see my big, swollen pregnant ass riding that man….think of Shrek riding Donkey….that’s what I imagine it was like. Anyways, there towards the end of my pregnancy my mom was staying with us, patiently waiting around the clock for miss Scarlet to make her grand entrance…which is nice and all…but a total cock block!

A few weeks post baby I was trying to adjust to our new life, I felt ugly (as I’m sure most new mama’s do) and I just wanted to feel like anything but a dairy cow. My husband had shot me that “come get some of this” look a few times and I desperately wanted to! I demanded his wiener the second that I stopped bleeding…which was week 4.

I know, I KNOW your “supposed” to wait 6 weeks, but I’m basically a teenage boy and I can’t keep it in my pants. So after some persuasion, hubby hesitantly agreed to some P in the V action. Although he seemed to be enjoying himself, I on the other hand had too many thoughts going through my head to really get into it…Like, “I hope the baby is okay, what if she dies while I’m having sex, this makes me such a bad mom, I hope my stitches are healed, he seems like it’s good, is he faking it? Did I just hear the baby cry? I wonder if he saw my episiotomy scar, will I have a scar? What if I lactate on him!” Not to mention, breastfeeding left my crotch feeling like the Sahara. Breastfeeding also made my boobs into boulders…big ginormous PAINFUL boulders….fun to look at, not so fun to play with!

Let’s move the subject farther south though, having sex 4 weeks after squeezing a child out of your crotch makes dick feel like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Like I said, he didn’t seem to mind much. My episiotomy wasn’t “totally” healed so it was uncomfortable. Dry, painful, loose feeling hoo haa…that’s what it’s like 4 weeks after a baby.

Let me clear the air a bit, it doesn’t stay like that forever! Thankfully after about 12 weeks things started to “somewhat” feel normal again. I could actually enjoy myself. Your vag will NOT be the same but it’s a minor difference. My advice is to wait the full 6 weeks…longer of course if your not a disgusting horn dog like me. And LUBE IT UP!!! A wiener going into your newly stretched out vagina feels like a searing hot metal pipe, so also be ready to have turtle sex (my analogy for take it slow as fuck).

You are not “just” a step parent

Hey y’all! I recently had an old friend reach out to me and at the end of our conversation she said “I’m just a step mom”, this bothered me! It was as if she felt that being a step mom was some kind of second class rank. Truth be told, if I didn’t have a “step” dad then I wouldn’t have a dad at all! I know for many others this is the case. However, no matter what the background may be, I can guarantee that you are not “just” a step parent to that child. Let’s dive in!

So as I’ve mentioned before, if it weren’t for my “step” dad I would be fatherless! Kinda shitty, right? But that’s the reality for many. Thank god for these “step” parents that step up, step in, and take the reigns. I was a hellion, and I gave my dad shit for well….basically all of my adolescence. He NEVER gave up on me. He has always introduced me as his daughter. He has always showed up. He has always been there! I do not view him as my “step” dad, but as my DAD. Thank god for my dad and all other “step” parents that raise children who are not “technically” theirs.

This holds true even if you are a “step” parent to a child with both biological parents present. You are valued! Let’s be honest, kids can be assholes, so it takes a special person to have even the slightest hand in raising a child that isn’t even theirs! Children do not view love, attention, and time spent as “step” or biological , they just want to feel loved. And jealous parents, chill the fuck out! If your child has an excellent “step” parent in their life, who shows up, who treats your child with love…then accept them and cut them some slack. Be thankful for them! What is so wrong with having one other person to love your baby? Set your ego aside and put your child’s best interest at the forefront.

Step parents make the choice to love, and we all know that DNA isn’t a requirement for that. Thank you dad, and all other “step” parents for playing such a vital role in your child’s life. You are not second class, you are not second choice, you are a parent! And one day, when your child grows up, they will understand and appreciate that you didn’t have to do any of it…you wanted to.

Oddly enough…we look a lot alike!
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